___________________________________________________________________
From: Student Account Enquiry
To: NUS Graduate Students; NUS Special Students; NUS Undergraduate Students
Cc:
Subject: FW: AY2008/2009 Semester 2 - Notice to View Student Bills Online - Second Gentle Reminder
Attachments:
Dear Students.
Further to the 2 earlier notices, please be reminded that the fees for Semester 2 of AY08/09 is due by 6 February 2009 for all students.
For students paying via GIRO, a GIRO deduction will be conducted on 6 February 2009.
If someone else is paying your Student Bill, please inform him/her of your fee payment due date in order to avoid any late payment charge.
Please check if you have any outstanding fees via https://aces01.nus.edu.sg/StudentPayment/Login.jsp.
If you have already paid all outstanding fees, please ignore this reminder email.
Students’ Section
Office of Financial Services
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____________________________________________________________________
My Analysis
As a formal email that is addressed to the student body, the writer has effectively convey his/her message. The important datelines are highlighted in bold which emphasises its presence. The flow of contents is logical and most of the 7Cs in writing have been fulfilled. However, the email can be further improved.
It can be made more concised by including the dates of the previous 2 notices. And also to include the time of deduction as well. It is to provide transparency of the fees systems to the students. Also, the writer typed the sentences in a way that they are in a different format, for instance a sentence without any formatting and the next is in italics. This is not necessary because to fully separate sentences, the writer can simply number the sentences.
Lastly, I feel that the email can be better with appropriate closing at the end. For instance, a "thank you" or something like that will make the Office of Student Relations look better, so that the email would not be deemed as some sort of "going after the students for money" kind of impression. And the writer should include the contact information for students who have enquires. This will complete the email.
Jialing, I agree with you that maybe it is better for this email to state the time of GIRO deduction to increase the transparency of the system. However, I am thinking that if the deduction is done through computer network system, maybe it will be difficult for them to specify the exact date of GIRO deduction in this email.
ReplyDeleteBesides that, I think that this email could be improved by using complimentary close such as "best regards" or "yours sincerely" before the sender's name.
Overall, I feel that this email had managed to convey the message efficiently to its target readers.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteWhile they did state the day of which the giro deduction will be carried out, i believe it will be better if the exact time of the deduction could be included too for concreteness.
I do agree that the tone of the letter is rather cold and indifferent, of which will leave the reader with a unpleasant feeling. While the email serves a timely reminder for people who forget about the bills, it could be done in a more subtly and positive tone.
For the last statement, "If you have already paid all outstanding fees, please ignore this reminder email", i felt that the bold, italic and underlined emphasis is not necessary. It somewhat gives the reader of a stern tone, and similarly leaves a sour aftertaste.
All in all, i think that the email could be rather well crafted in terms of its tone. While it conveys the necessary information, it is often important to leave upon others good impression of your service and attitude. =]
Cheers!
Hi Jialing,
ReplyDeleteI feel that the email is concise to the point of being rather curt. The tone is rather demanding and sends out a negative response. For example the sender should have wrote "If someone else is paying your Student Bill, please kindly inform him/her of your fee payment...” as this would have sounded better.
In addition, I feel that the letter should have at least provided a telephone number in the event if any students need to seek further assistance from the financial office.
Regards
Valerie
I think this email is a rather messy and confusing. Firstly, the subject given is too long.Secondly, it isn't a letter but more a sries of notes with a different font in every paragraph. Since this is the case, better fir the writer to have headed paragraphs and numbered items. The signing off is lost between all the notes. The end NB should be like a footnote instead of confusing matters further after the close.
ReplyDeleteMrs Richardson
Sorry Jialing: Series, better for
ReplyDeleteMrs Richardson
I personally dislike this email. While bolding important dates to highlight them to the reader is a good idea, the overall formatting of the letter is atrocious and disconcerting. You have italics, underlined, bold popping up all over the place. This distracts the reader and makes the email very cluttered.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, it is also not very coherent as each paragraph seems to be a standalone affair.
Wanliang
To everyone!
ReplyDeleteWe share the same sentiments~!